It's a (POLICE) chat box
by TheIncarnation
Summary: The companion instant messaging service. Hilarity ensues.
1. Usernames, hats and SEXY!

**This is something I have seen done frequently, so I decided to do my own. My first fanfiction was a version of this! I didn't upload it, I'll have to find it. Welcome, to the Doctor's chatroom!**

**USERS (SO FAR):  
>Mrs_Robinson- River<strong>

**Fish_fingers_and_custard- 11**

**Thegirlwhowaited- Amy**

**R. Williams- Rory**

* * *

><p><strong>Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged on<strong>

**Mrs_Robinson:** Hello sweetie!

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** River, how are you even on here? You're in prison.

**Mrs_Robinson:** Only you would use your favourite food as a username. Anyway, I break the rules, I thought you'd know that by now.

**Thegirlwhowaited has logged on.**

**Thegirlwhowaited:** That's my girl.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** Amelia Pond! You approve of this?

**R. Williams has logged on.**

**Thegirlwhowaited**: It's her choice.

**R. Williams:** Sorry, what are we talking about?

**Thegirlwhowaited:** Read above.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** That's not the point, it's against the rules.

**R. Williams:** Since when have you cared about rules?

**Mrs_Robinson:** Thank you dad!

**R. Williams:** RIVER!

**Mrs_Robinson:** Yes.

**R. Williams:** Mrs_Robinson? River! That is inappropriate.

**Thegirlwhowaited:** Oh come on Rory. The Doctor calls her it.

**R. Williams:** Point?

**Thegirlwhowaited:** It's not like she's a kid.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard**: I called her it once!

**Thegirlwhowaited:** Then how come whenever she's on the TARDIS all we hear is Oh yes Mrs Robinson. Yes, yes, yes.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** River Song! You said that room was soundproofed!

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged off.**

**R. Williams:** Well this is going to be awkward.

**R. Williams has logged off.**

**Thegirlwhowaited:** He is my best friend, but if he makes you do anything you will tell me. River?

**Mrs_Robinson:** Of course I will mother, it's usually more of a case of me doing him.

**Thegirlwhowaited:** TMI!

**Mrs_Robinson:** Sorry, I forgot. Anyway, I need you to do me a favour.

**Thegirlwhowaited:** I will not do anything to do with killing people, smuggling drugs or getting you out of prison.

**Mrs_Robinson:** In exactly eight minutes relative time, the Doctor is going to make a terrible choice, you must at all costs avoid the planet of the hats.

**Thegirlwhowaited:** Why? Is he getting a new fez?

**Mrs_Robinson:** No, this is worse, but I can't tell you too much. Just promise me you'll stop him mum.

**Thegirlwhowaited**: Okay.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged on.**

**Fish_fingers_and_custard**: Ponds! Come on, we're going now.

**Thegirlwhowaited**: Bye River.

**Thegirlwhowaited** **has logged off.**

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** Just you wait until I next see you River.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged off.**

**Mrs_Robinson:** I always am waiting.

**Mrs_Robinson has logged off.**

* * *

><p><em>Two hours later...<em>

**Thegirlwhowaited has logged on.**

**Mrs_Robinson has logged on.**

**R. Williams has logged on.**

**Thegirlwhowaited:** River. This is bad.

**R. Williams:** Agreed.

**Mrs_Robinson:** You let him buy it didn't you?

**Thegirlwhowaited:** We tried.

**R. Williams:** And now the Doctor has a hat that says "SEXY"

**Mrs_Robinson:** It'll clash horribly with the tweed.

**R. Williams:** I'm sorry, is nobody bothered about the fact he is going around with a hat that says SEXY!?

**Thegirlwhowaited:** Would you prefer it if I stole it and wore it?

**Mrs_Robinson:** I'll shoot it when I'm with you next.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged on.**

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** Shoot what River?

**Mrs_Robinson:** Nothing sweetie.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** You are going nowhere near my hat River!

**R. Williams:** Right, well I'm going to go do the laundry.

**R. Williams has logged off.**

**Thegirlwhowaited:** I think I'll go join him.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** But you never do the laundry.

**Thegirlwhowaited:** I'll let you talk it out.

**Thegirlwhowaited has logged off.**

**Mrs_Robinson:** Why sweetie?

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** Why what?

**Mrs_Robinson:** You don't need a hat to prove that you're sexy. Childish but sexy.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** That's all I wanted to hear, I'll go and put it in the bin.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged off.**

**Thegirlwhowaited has logged on.**

**Thegirlwhowaited:** He's put it in the bin. What happened?

**Mrs_Robinson:** He wanted me to say he was sexy...

**Thegirlwhowaited:** Oh, that is so him.


	2. Tea, maids and kink

**So, Chapter One got good reviews* so I decided to continue it as soon as I could instead of weekly; it's really fun to write in this style. This chapter contains a lot more sexual reference than the last...**

**USERS (IN THIS CHAPTER):  
>Mrs_Robinson- River<strong>

**Fish_fingers_and_custard- 11**

**Thegirlwhowaited- Amy**

**Madame Vastra- Vastra**

**TheBeautifulMaid- Jenny**

**Bakedpotato- Strax**

* * *

><p><strong>Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged on.<strong>

**Madame Vastra has logged on.**

**TheBeautifulMaid has logged on.**

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** Hello you two, what have you been up to?

**Madame Vastra: **Doctor! How is this even possible?

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** I don't know, the TARDIS figured it out.

**TheBeautifulMaid: **We've been busy, you know, more cases to crack.

**Madame Vastra: **Some spectacular dresses, an lot of running...

**TheBeautifulMaid: **And an awful lot of fun.

**Madame Vastra: **And some cases which made Jenny unimaginably-

**Fish_fingers_and_custard: **Stop right there! I do not need to know about your sex life!

**Madame Vastra:** I was going to say it made her unimaginably attractive.

**TheBeautifulMaid:** Am I not usually?

**Madame Vastra: **Of course you are, I meant like you looked tall, beautiful and powerful when you came through that cell.

**TheBeautifulMaid: **Thank you darling.

**Madame Vastra: **I love you Jen.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** I'll leave you to it.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged off.**

**Mrs_Robinson has logged on.**

**TheBeautifulMaid: **Morning Doctor Song.

**Mrs_Robinson: **Hello Jenny. Madame Vastra.

**Madame Vastra: **Doctor Song.

**Mrs_Robinson: **River, please.

**Madame Vastra: **How've you been?

**Mrs_Robinson: **Not bad, incarceration is suiting me just fine.

**TheBeautifulMaid:** Incarceration?

**Mrs_Robinson: **I killed a man. Madame Kovarian was turning me into a weapon at Demon's Run.

**Madame Vastra: **Has she tried again?

**Mrs_Robinson: **Once, I don't think she will try again.

**TheBeautifulMaid: **Good.

**Thegirlwhowaited has logged on.**

**Thegirlwhowaited: **River, the Doctor's asking where you hid his fez.

**Mrs_Robinson: **Halfway across the galaxy, but tell him not to bother looking for it, it'll be a wild goose chase.

**Bakedpotato has logged on.**

**Thegirlwhowaited: **River!

**Mrs_Robinson:** Alright, I left it on a Sontaran battle fleet.

**Bakedpotato: **Sontar-ha! Leaving a monstrosity like that on an honourable battle fleet is punishable by death!

**Madame Vastra: **Strax! Go to your room.

**Bakedpotato: **But Madame!

**Madame Vastra:** And don't think about eating any more of Miss Jenny's sherbet fancies.

**Bakedpotato has logged off.**

**Thegirlwhowaited:** Since when did that happen?

**Madame Vastra:** Sorry?

**Thegirlwhowaited:** I didn't think he'd take orders.

**TheBeautifulMaid:** Madame is his superior.

**Mrs_Robinson:** Kinky.

**Thegirlwhowaited:** MELODY POND!

**Mrs_Robinson:** Kinky and interesting. Even on an Instant Messaging service, Jenny calls Vastra Madame.

**Madame Vastra:** That is a point.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged on.**

**TheBeautifulMaid:** Force of habit, you know.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** What is?

**Thegirlwhowaited:** Read above.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** River, you can't just go pointing out faults in the Victorian era.

**Mrs_Robinson:** Like you don't do that.

**Thegirlwhowaited:** Got to go. Bye guys.

**Thegirlwhowaited has logged off.**

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** But River- I don't talk about people's sex life!

**Madame Vastra:** She wasn't though.

**Mrs_Robinson:** If I wanted the ins and outs of Vastra fucking Jenny I'd probably just straight up ask her.

**TheBeautifulMaid:** And get slapped...

**TheBeautifulMaid has logged off.**

**Madame Vastra:** I have a client, until next time Doctor. Doctor Song- I'll see you next week.

**Mrs_Robinson:** See you round.

**Madame Vastra has logged off.**

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** Next week?

**Mrs_Robinson:** For our weekly threesome.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** River, we are married!

**Mrs_Robinson:** For tea. What did you think sweetie?

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** You said...

**Mrs_Robinson:** I would never sweetie. I'm all yours.

**Mrs_Robinson:** I'll see you in Paris. Love you.

**Mrs_Robinson has logged off.**

* * *

><p>The Doctor looked around curiously, Paris wasn't in his diary yet. What surprises did River have for him in a new city? He had only ever taken Romana there, she couldn't possibly know that though. But she wasn't stupid, it would be their first romantic time away, but he supposed where he went, trouble went too...<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Fish_fingers_and_custard: <strong>Paris?

* * *

><p><strong>Please follow, favourite and review! <strong>

***And a shoutout to the R5 (guest)- Thank you for persuading me to write another chapter soon with your comment.**


	3. Comfort, angst and sleep

**This chapter is really different to what I usually write, it has a lot of fluff, angst and comfort (I don't write that...)**

**USERS (IN THIS CHAPTER):  
>Mrs_Robinson- River<strong>

**Fish_fingers_and_custard- 11**

**Madame Vastra- Vastra**

**Thegirlwhowaited- Amy**

**TheBeautifulMaid: Jenny**

* * *

><p><strong>Madame Vastra has logged on.<strong>

**Mrs_Robinson: **Late for you to be online, Vastra.

**Madame Vastra: **I can't sleep.

**Mrs_Robinson: **Are you okay?

**Madame Vastra: **I can't stop remembering Jenny dying.

**Mrs_Robinson: **I know how you feel, but she needs you more than ever. She's as scared as you are.

**Madame Vastra: **Thank you.

**Mrs_Robinson: **Now, go and hold her.

**Madame Vastra: **See you in two days.

**Mrs_Robinson: **Xx

**Madame Vastra has logged off.**

**Fish_fingers_and_custard: **That, River Song, is why I married you.

**Mrs_Robinson:** Just one of the reasons.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard: **One of them. How are you not phased by me ghosting?

**Mrs_Robinson: **It's obvious. Any sweet moment, you're always ghosting.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard: **I suppose so. I didn't realise it affected her so much.

**Mrs_Robinson: **I'll tell Jenny soon.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard: **Good, now goodnight River.

**Mrs_Robinson: **Night night sweetie. Sweet dreams.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard: **Enjoy your night.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged off.**

**Mrs_Robinson:** I will now.

* * *

><p>River turned up at Paternoster Row slightly earlier than she had attended, hanging around the afternoon streets of London, it was slightly less grimy than she had once thought. People didn't hang around, but there seemed to be an air of laziness about the place. When she knocked on the door of Paternoster Row, it was to be greeted by the pretty maid than the potato-like butler.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Mrs_Robinson has logged on.<strong>

**Madame Vastra has logged on.**

**Mrs_Robinson: **Thanks for the tea. xx

**Madame Vastra: **You're perfectly welcome. Come anytime.

**Mrs_Robinson: **I didn't want to ask in front of Jenny, but how have you been sleeping?

**Madame Vastra: **Not badly, it still haunts me though.

**Mrs_Robinson: **The feeling goes. Eventually.

**Madame Vastra: **Wonder when that will happen.

**Madame Vastra: **You know, eight years ago, I'd have killed someone if they told me I'd spend my nights worried about a human.

**Mrs_Robinson: **We aren't too different you know Vastra. Well, the species thing is different but we both fell in love with someone we weren't supposed to.

**Madame Vastra: **I know. I have to go, work calls! Until the next time.

**Mrs_Robinson: **Bye.

**Madame Vastra has logged off.**

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged on.**

**Thegirlwhowaited has logged on.**

**Thegirlwhowaited:** RIVER! You need to speak to your husband; he spent an alien away. A deadly alien. That was releasing a poison over a whole city. THEN HE CALLED IT BACK!

**Mrs_Robinson: **For crying out loud sweetie.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard: **What did I tell you when I came back- going away is good, never coming back is better.

**Thegirlwhowaited: **It tried to kill us all. AGAIN.

**Mrs_Robinson:** You can't do stuff like that Doctor; I live dangerously, but even I don't do that.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard: **I was telling it to go!

**Mrs_Robinson: **IT IS RECKLESS AND DANGEROUS! And I care about you! And I care about my mother.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Ten minutes later...<em>**

**Fish_fingers_and_custard: **Just dropped Amy and Rory back on Earth. I am now going to find my otter friends.

**Madame Vastra: **What happened?

**Fish_fingers_and_otters:** River and I had this big fight. She called me Chinny.

**Madame Vastra: **Okay...

**Madame Vastra has logged off.**

**TheBeautifulMaid has logged on**

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged off.**

**Mrs_Robinson has changed their name to River_lostsoul.**

**River_lostsoul: **Is anyone online?

**TheBeautifulMaid:** I am. River, are you okay?

**River_lostsoul: **The Doctor and I had this big fight.

**TheBeautifulMaid:** Oh. Do you want to come to mine? Vastra's out and we can talk and I have a pot of tea.

**River_lostsoul: **Okay, thanks Jenny.

**TheBeautifulMaid: **It's okay.

**River_lostsoul has logged off.  
><strong>

**TheBeautifulMaid has logged off.**

**Thegirlwhowaited has logged on.**

**R. Williams has logged on.**

**Thegirlwhowaited:** Do you think she'll be okay?

**R. Williams: **I hope so.

**Thegirlwhowaited: **I know he's my best friend, but she's my daughter and I will always take her side.

**R. Williams: **Yeah. Even though she is in jail.

**Thegirlwhowaited: **She's our little girl.

**R. Williams: **Hey, look up in the chat. Jenny's with her, she'll be fine...


	4. Kate, sex and otters

**I like to assume that Kate knows River... I am writing this just after I published C4 so sorry if there are any unwritten requests.**

**So, after some very colourful shall we say comments that had to be deleted due to abusive content, that this week there will be none of that because if there is I will get very sad or angry and probably punch a tree.**

**USERS (IN THIS CHAPTER):  
>River_lostsoul- River<strong>

**K.S - Kate**

**Madame Vastra: Vastra**

**TheBeautifulMaid: Jenny**

_**This time with an unexpected appearance of...**_

**Malcolm123: Malcolm!**

* * *

><p><strong>River_lostsoul has logged on.<strong>

**K.S has logged on.**

**K.S: **Morning River.

**River_lostsoul: **Hello Kate.

**K. S:** Are you alright?

**River_lostsoul: **Yeah.

**K. S: **River, I can tell when people lie to me.

**River_lostsoul: **Why ask then?

**River_lostsoul: **I'm sorry.

**K.S: **Tell me what's wrong, come over if you like. There's always room here for you.

**River_lostsoul: **We had a fight.

**K.S: **We?

**River_lostsoul: **The Doctor. He's gone to live with otters.

**K.S: **Well it's his loss, isn't it.

**River_lostsoul: **You don't understand, I'm the one who sent him away, I forced him away from me.

**K.S: **What happened?

* * *

><p>River looked down at her wrists, wondering if Kate would be able to tell how upset she was. Gauging if she would understand straight away or if she would require a greater explanation, she knew it would be the latter. New scars lay among the fresh ones on her wrist, it was somehow easier to hurt herself than let herself hurt over the Doctor. But deep down River knew that if her love did come back he would be so angered that she would probably force him away again. Deciding to tell Kate from the beginning, she sighed and remembered her mothers words,<br>"You'll wait a long time for the Doctor, but he's worth it."

* * *

><p><strong>River_lostsoul: <strong>We got into this massive fight, he endangered a whole planet and my mother.

**K.S: **Why has he gone?

**River_lostsoul: **I called him Chinny.

**K.S: **Only he could get offended by facts.

**River_lostsoul:** I've got to go.

**K.S: **River.

**River_lostsoul: **Yes.

**K.S: **If you even dare pick up that blade again you won't feel the end of it for a long time.

**River_lostsoul: **Corporal punishment, yeah, UNIT still is an army base.

**K.S:** I'll talk later. You do know I care though. I'm not sure how much use that is but I care.

**River_lostsoul: **Thanks sweetie.

**River_lostsoul has logged off.**

**Malcolm123 has logged on.**

**Malcolm123: **I've found some amazing tech.

**K.S: **I don't need to know at the moment Malcolm.

**Malcolm123:** But there is a mathematical difference between two versions.

**K.S: **I have some business I must attend to, important and quite urgent.

**Malcolm123:** Can I come? I can tell you about the sonic gauntlet.

**K.S: **Absolutely not.

* * *

><p>Smirking at Malcolm's lack of sense, Kate removed her heels, shrugging her blazer off and abandoning it on her coatrack, she took a bottle of red wine from her fridge. Pausing only to grab two flutes from her cupboard, she made a beeline for her master bedroom, smiling at her reflection in the mirror. She stepped towards the room nervously, chiding herself<br>"Come on Stewart, sex isn't that scary. Now get in there and make her scream."

* * *

><p><em>Nine hours later...<em>

**Madame Vastra has logged on.**

**Madame Vastra: **Hello?

**TheBeautifulMaid has logged on.**

**TheBeautifulMaid: **I woke up and you weren't there Vastra!

**Madame Vastra:** I'm sorry Jenny.

**TheBeautifulMaid: **Aren't you cold? It is nearly Christmas.

**Madame Vastra: **I'm fine Jen, you worry too much.

**TheBeautifulMaid: **Where are you?

**Madame Vastra: **The roof.

**TheBeautifulMaid: **You daft reptile.

**TheBeautifulMaid has logged off.**

* * *

><p>Wrapping herself up in a warm cloak, Jenny made her way to the roof of 13 Paternoster Row; she found Vastra lying on her back, gazing up at the stars.<br>"Beautiful," Vastra whispered into the chilly night air.  
>"You'll catch a death out here," Jenny warned her of her presence.<br>"I couldn't sleep," her wife replied shortly.  
>Jenny curled up at her side, wrapping them both in her cloak...they lay together.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Tying up some loose ends.**

**Kate gets laid...**


	5. Otters, marriage and ghosting

**Characters (in this chapter)**

**River_lostsoul: River**

**TheBeautifulMaid: Jenny**

**Madame Vastra: Vastra**

* * *

><p><strong>River_lostsoul has logged on.<strong>

**TheBeautifulMaid has logged on.**

**TheBeautifulMaid: **Morning River.

**River_lostsoul: **Jenny.

**TheBeautifulMaid: **How've things been? Is the Doctor back yet?

**River_lostsoul: **No, the otters seem to be better company than his wife.

**TheBeautifulMaid: **He'll see soon.

**River_lostsoul: **I doubt it. He spent three years under the witness protection act once before and you know how terrible he is at waiting.

**TheBeautifulMaid: **How does he do it? If I left Vastra I wouldn't be able to cope.

**TheBeautifulMaid: **Sorry, that was insensitive.

**River_lostsoul: **It's fine. I know what you mean. Vastra loves you, I know the Doctor hates me.

**TheBeautifulMaid:** No he doesn't!

**River_lostsoul:** I forced him to watch me die, how could you not hate someone after that. In the library, but I haven't done that yet, we travel in opposite directions.

**TheBeautifulMaid:** He still doesn't hate you, you do know that River? Don't you?

**River_lostsoul: **Yes, I do.

* * *

><p>River sat, huddled, on her cell bed. The marks on her wrists were fading but the urge still hadn't gone. The Doctor leaving her had taken toll; the guards leered even more, she cried herself to sleep and could no longer even be bothered to get up.<p>

The newest guard was outside her cell, would they never learn? He stood, shaking slightly,  
>"Doctor Song, you have a visitor."<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Madame Vastra has logged on.<strong>

**TheBeautifulMaid has logged on.**

**TheBeautifulMaid: **Strax is driving me insane. Could you send him to his room, please? He won't listen to me.

**Madame Vastra: **Yes, my dear.

**TheBeuatifulMaid: **Thank you Vastra.

**Madame Vastra:** Jenny?

**TheBeautifulMaid: **Yeah?

**Madame Vastra: **Why is the TARDIS in the greenhouse?

**TheBeautifulMaid: **The TARDIS.

**Madame Vastra: **On second thoughts, Strax can go out.

* * *

><p>"River, come on," the Doctor stepped around the young guards sleeping body.<br>"Doctor!" River gasped.  
>"Come on, get in!" she followed him into the time machine.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Three hours later...<em>

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged on.**

**River_lostsong has logged on.**

**TheBeautifulMaid has logged on.**

**TheBeautifulMaid:** I'm so glad you two have made up again.

**River_lostsoul has changed their name to RiverxSong.**

**RiverxSong:** Yes sweetie, me too.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard: **Jenny, thanks for the tea. River, I'll see you very soon. I promise.

**RiverxSong:** Goodbye sweetie.

**Fish_fingers_and_custard has logged off.**

**Madame Vastra has logged on.**

**TheBeautifulMaid: **What happened really?

**RiverxSong:** It was true, he came back for me.

**TheBeautifulMaid:** Good. Jenny, I need you.

**TheBeautifulMaid:** Bye River.

**RiverxSong:** The next time I see you might be the last.

**Madame Vastra:** What do you mean?

**RiverxSong:** Spoilers!

**Madame Vastra:** Whenever that is, then, I will be seeing you.

**Madame Vastra has logged off.**

**TheBeautifulMaid: **She's a bit angry, I better go.

**TheBeautifulMaid has logged off.**

**RiverxSong:** It always ends up like this.

**RiverxSong:** Doctor, it's not polite to listen to other peoples conversations.

_**Fish_fingers_and_custard is online.**_

**Fish_fingers_and_custard:** How do you know when I'm ghosting?

****RiverxSong: It shows you are online.****

******Fish_fingers_and_custard:****** You mean I am no longer allowed to watch and laugh when Strax is sent to his room?

******RiverxSong: ******As amusing as that must be sweetie, yes.

********Fish_fingers_and_custard: ********Is that yes or yes?

**RiverxSong:** Yes.

* * *

><p><strong>I wrote this on a train so if there are mistakes in this blame trains from London. I will not be adding Clara, but Kate and Osgood are coming next chapter.<strong>

**P.S. I wrote the Osgood chapter before Death in Heaven. So upset about Osgood.**


End file.
